Heart And Soul: Burying the Past
by kst1233
Summary: A tragedy has changed Tara's life forever. The last chapter is finally up. A prequal is in the works to this story.  Let me know if you are interested in reading it.
1. Chapter 1

Heart And Soul Burying the Past 

"Roger, do you think it's possible for anyone to be too happy?"

"If it is love, then I'm in big trouble.."

Tara lay in the guest room bed unable to think of anything else but those words spoken just two days ago. Just two days before when her whole world was absolutely perfect, when she was so happy she thought she'd burst from it. Her much wanted, much anticipated baby was alive, well, and beautiful. Her handsome, sweet, loving husband over joyed at being a father. Her friends and former co-workers, calling every few minutes to offer congratulations to the new parents. And herself, so happy, so relieved that everything was well with the baby, the thought of endless years of continued happiness stretching out before her as she pictured her baby girl growing up and Tara and Roger growing old together, never to be parted until old age took it's inevitable toll.

That was the natural order of things. That's how it was supposed to be. But two days later, this day, this very day, a single bullet to the heart by an unknown murderer, tore her dreams of happiness to shreds. Her beloved husband now lay in a morgue eighteen miles away, never to come back to her, never to tell her again how much he loved her.

She didn't cry. She had already cried for what seemed like hours, unable to stop the tears of pain and grief. She'd still be crying now except Steed had had a doctor come by and sedate her so she could sleep. But she fought off the sedative. She didn't want to sleep. Sleep only meant waking up again to face the truth over again. The sedative left her feeling groggy and strange, as if she were outside her own body looking in at the turmoil around her and in her. She felt nothing this way. Oh if only she could stop feeling forever. But she couldn't. She knew the sedative would wear off eventually and she'd start feeling the pain again.

Elizabeth. Sweet, tiny, beautiful Elizabeth. Not even two weeks old. She would turn two weeks on the day of the funeral if they didn't postpone it because of the murder investigation. Oh God! How was she to explain to her little girl later that her daddy had been murdered before she could even focus her eyes? She would have no memories of him, nothing to think about as she grew older. No one to compare her potential loves with when she started to fall in love. Tara had lost her own mother when she was fourteen years old, but she still had sweet memories to relive when she missed her, pictures of them together, tangible objects she had given her for various reasons. Elizabeth would have none of that, or very little anyway.

Where was Steed? Tara thought she could hear his voice talking low on the phone, but she couldn't be sure. Everyday sounds were nothing more than a light buzzing in her ears right now. She wanted him so desperately to come in to her and say it was all a mistake, that Roger wasn't dead after all, only wounded slightly or even seriously if it meant that he would recover and be all right. Maybe that's what he was talking about on the phone. Maybe someone was telling him just that, that it was a mistake and then Steed would come bounding in, shaking her awake, laughing and apologizing for scaring her. And she would forgive him. She would be understanding and she would be forgiving and then she would ask him to take her to the hospital where she would see Roger laying in a bed, bandaged, bruised, sore, but smiling at her. And she would cry and then go to him and hug him gently and then kiss him as never before and he would tell her it would be all right, that he loved her and had no intention of leaving her before they both grew old.


	2. Chapter 2

For the next two days, Tara walked the house as if in a daze. Steed had reluctantly taken her to see Roger's body at the morgue the day before. The autopsy had been done and the body was to be moved to the funeral home the next day to prepare it for burial. Mother must have spoken to the morgue ahead of time because instead of Tara being led to the cold storage room to see him, she was taken into a smaller, slightly warmer room where Roger lay, his body covered by a sheet, his face exposed but looking as if he were asleep. Steed was eternally grateful for that. Tara was used to seeing dead bodies, but she didn't need to see her husband being pulled out of one of a half hundred drawers, his entire body encased in a large plastic zipped bag. Steed had watched her carefully as she entered the room slowly, her face going from pale to white as reality set in that her fantasy from the night before wasn't going to happen. 

"Can I be alone with him for just a few minutes?" She whispered as she stared down at the peaceful face of her husband.

"Are you sure love?"

"Please."

"I'll be outside the door when you are ready then. Take your time love."

Tara nodded, afraid to open her mouth. She wanted to scream, cry, shake Roger's body to make him wake up, anything to end this nightmare. But she remained silent as she brushed back a stray lock of hair from his forehead, her eyes filling with tears as she felt how cold his skin was to her touch.

"Oh Roger, there was so much I wanted to tell you, so much I haven't said to you, so much I wanted to do with you. Why couldn't you have come back to me just one more time? I would give anything at all to hear one of your silly jokes, feel your arms around me at night, see you hold our baby in your arms. I've been so looking forward to the time when we could make love again. I had it all planed out you know. I was going to surprise you the day the doctor said I could go back to doing every day things. I was going to ask someone to take Elizabeth for the night, make us a wonderful supper when you got home, and then make love to you all night long and then we would lay quietly in each other's arms for awhile, go for a walk, then go pick up our daughter and just spend the rest of our lives in complete happiness. I'm going to miss you so much. So very, very much. I love you darling."

Tara lay her head briefly on his shoulder, covering her mouth with her hand as her tears flowed once again. She gave one harsh sob and then stood back up straight, wiping her eyes with a look of determination. She would not spend the rest of her life crying for him. She had to now go on for her daughter's sake. No she would not cry any more. Nor did she think she would ever be able to laugh or smile again either.

Steed turned towards the door when he heard it open. Tara came out, her face composed but still very white, her lips pressed together as if she were trying to hold in her emotions. Without a word, Steed gathered her in his arms and held her close to him, gently stroking her hair. Tara leaned against him, but she didn't cry, she just closed her eyes and tried to regain some control. After a few moments she pulled gently away.

"Are you all right?" Steed asked quietly. Tara nodded.

"I'm all right."

"Let's stop for something to eat and then I'll take you home." Steed said as he put an arm around her shoulders and guided her out of the morgue and down to his car.

"I'm not hungry."

"Darling girl, you need to eat something. You're going to make yourself sick if you don't. Come on love, for me."

"If you insist." Tara said as she stared straight ahead of her. Her voice was monotone, but Steed ignored it and smiled, kissing her thin cheek.

"I do insist." he said as they got into the car and drove away. They went to a small cafe where Steed insisted on ordering her a full meal. Tara didn't want it, but she didn't argue and to his satisfaction ate about a third which was more than she had eaten in the past twenty four hours. He thought about pushing her to eat more, but changed his mind when she pushed the plate away from her with shaking hands.

"I'm sorry Steed. Everything is lovely, but I just can't eat any more. I'm not feeling very well."

"All right. Let's get you home then so you can rest." Steed said as he prepared to go pay the bill. Tara shook her head slightly.

"If it's all right with you, I need to go see Roger's parents." Tara said quietly waiting for Steed to protest. She knew that he knew how Mary, Roger's mother, felt about her, but she felt strongly about seeing her, to try and offer some kind of comfort to the woman. It was only right. She was relieved when he simply nodded and smiled at her.

"Of course love. I'll take you wherever you want or need to go." he said simply.

Within minutes of arriving, Steed regretted taking Tara there. They hadn't been there five minutes when Mary came down and started screaming and blaming Tara for Roger's death. Tara, whom Steed had thought was pale before, turned even paler during Mary's tirade. James wasn't there to calm Mary down, and Steed, despite his deepest desires, felt it would be ungentlemanly to bang the woman across the head with his steel lined bowler in order to shut her up for a bit. Tara tried to stay calm, but when Mary started making threats of taking the baby from her, Tara burst into tears, her resolve to not cry broken. Steed made a few cutting remarks to the older woman and all but drug Tara away from the ugly scene. When they had gotten into the car and had driven a few miles, Steed pulled it over and cut the engine. Tara was still crying, unable to control her self. Steed reached over to her and held her.

"It's all right love. Shhh...it's over."

"She wants to take my baby."

"She won't darling. I promise you. She'll get nowhere near her."

"I just wanted to help her if I could. Roger wanted us to be at least friendly. Oh why does she hate me so? I loved him. And I wanted Elizabeth to have a grandmother. Mary and James are the only grandparents she'd ever have the chance of knowing, the only people on earth who could tell her about him." Tara was no longer crying, once again resolving to control herself, but she clung tightly to Steed, needing his support now more than ever.

"Maybe when she's had time to calm down, she'll come around." Steed said unconvinced by his own words. Mary had had three years to "come around", but hadn't as of yet.

"Maybe you're right. I'll try again tomorrow when we go to make the funeral arrangements."

"No Tara. You've done more then your fair share of trying to be kind to her. You've done nothing wrong. And for Elizabeth's protection, I'm going to suggest leaving her at home tomorrow. I'll have Mother send Rhonda over just in case so that no one can get near the child."

"Oh, I don't think Mary will try anything really. She's just upset. I know I would be if anything happened to Elizabeth."

"Still and all, I want to be sure. Rhonda will come over. It's going to be hard enough on you tomorrow without you having to worry about the baby too. Now come on love. You need to go home and rest. I want your doctor to come by and check on you before we do anything else."

"I'm all right."

"No you aren't. Tara, please don't argue. You aren't well and all this is taking it's toll on you."

Tired, sick, in pain, and upset, Tara didn't argue. She simply nodded and pulled away from Steed's comforting arms. Before sitting back in her seat, she kissed his cheek tenderly.

"I can't even begin to thank you for everything you've done John."

"I just wish I could take this pain away from you love. I hate seeing you suffer like this."

"You can't. No one can. But it does help a great deal to know that you are here."


	3. Chapter 3

Tara sat rigidly, staring straight ahead of her as the man in the pulpit started the eulogy. She was trying so very hard to keep her eyes off the coffin in front of her. The heavy scent of roses and carnations made her feel nauseated and she had to press her lips tightly together to keep from vomiting right there in the church. The baby in her arms shifted slightly and so she moved her arm a bit to a more comfortable position. Tara felt Steed's warm hand envelope her cold one. She winced slightly as she heard hers and Elizabeth's names mentioned, but she had no idea of what was actually said. She chose instead to let her mind drift over the past three years. 

How many missed opportunities had there been to tell him how much she loved him? How often had she told him off instead of just ignoring what ever it was that had gotten her angry? How many times had she rolled away from him in bed, not wanting to be intimate, only wanting to sleep? Why did it take his death for her to see all this? Why had she not asked him to forgive her for her neglect before it was too late?

She felt Steed's warm hand cover her cold one. Dear Steed. He had been so good to her these past few days, trying his best to help her through the very worst parts. How horrible it must have been for him to have to be the one to tell her what had happened. She knew that he probably volunteered to tell her. It was like him to do that, but it certainly wouldn't have made it any easier.

She felt a hot tear roll down her cheek as the congregation stood up and sang Amazing Grace. It had not been her choice to have the hymn sung, it had been Mary Lars choice. Roger, who always planned ahead for every eventuality that he could think of, had made all his own funeral arrangements years ago when he was first assigned to Berlin. After he and Tara married, he revised it a bit, and then again right after Elizabeth was born. When the choice of songs had been mentioned, Amazing Grace was not one of them, however Mary insisted that it be sung right after the eulogy and just before the viewing. It was up to Tara then to make the final choice, so not wanting to start another tirade from Mary, simply nodded her assent.

Tara stood up almost mechanically as Steed escorted her up to and past Roger's coffin. Tara couldn't look. She had seen him at the morgue and once again yesterday at the private viewing. Fortunately Steed had had the foresight to take her early so she had one last chance to be alone with Roger before anyone else arrived. When she heard other people start to come in, she placed a last kiss on his forehead and walked away, knowing she would never be able to see his sweet face again except in her mind.

Elizabeth woke up and started to cry. Tara hushed her with a bottle and thought to herself that she would have to soon change her. She thought about just how close she came to losing her tiny daughter. The thought made the ache in her chest almost impossible to bear. Tara stiffened up. She had just lost her beloved husband, she was not going to lose her daughter too. She couldn't live if she did. Certainly life couldn't be so cruel as to take her precious baby from her could it? No! She wouldn't let it happen. Her breathing came in short gasps and she felt Steed's arm go around her shoulders.

"Tara? Are you all right?"

No she wasn't all right. The pain in her chest was becoming unbearable and it was getting harder to breathe. She just wanted to fall to the floor and never move again. She wanted to tell him all this, but instead, she took a deep, shuddering breath and let it out, nodding slightly as she closed her eyes and tried to calm herself down.

"Deep breaths love. That's right. Take it easy. It's almost over. We can go straight home instead of to the burial if you want. It might be a good idea. You need to rest love."

"No. I'm all right now. I just felt a little light headed for a moment."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"All right then. Just take it easy" Steed squeezed her shoulder gently and placed a small kiss on her temple. He didn't believe for a moment that she was all right. She hadn't eaten or slept very well in the past four days and she was in obvious pain though she wouldn't admit it.

When the services were over, he had to support her while they walked slowly in front of her in-laws out to the waiting limousine After he helped her in, he asked the driver to radio ahead to the cemetery and ask for a chair to be placed there for her. Steed didn't think she'd be able to stand very long. When he got back into the limo, he noticed that Mary Lars was holding the baby and Tara was watching closely with a look of fear and apprehension on her face. He glanced over at James who gave him a slight smile and look that said the baby would be all right. Steed moved over closer to Tara and put his arm around her shoulders feeling the tension in her body as if she were coiled up to spring. She relaxed a little as Mary handed the baby over to James who held her for a few moments and then passed her on to Steed. Then and only then did Tara relax.

"So what do you plan on doing with the baby now that Roger is gone?" Mary asked casually though her voice dripped with sarcasm. Tara's body tensed once again as Steed handed her back the baby. Tara forced herself to relax again so that Elizabeth wouldn't feel her fear and anxiety.

"What do you mean?"

"I simply meant to ask if you were planning on keeping the nurse around to take care of her." Mary's voice was very conversational, but Steed noticed the conniving look in her eyes as she watched Tara's face carefully, hoping to have the chance, any chance to prove Tara an unfit mother. Before Tara could say anything, Steed jumped in.

"The nurse will stay on to take care of Tara and the baby until Tara is well again."

"That will be expensive. Are you sure you can afford it my dear?"

"The agency is paying for the nurse." Steed said as he gave the woman a look that would have felled anyone else, but she simply ignored it. Tara gave Steed a surprised look at his mention of the agency paying for the nurse.

"Mother insisted love. He's also insisting you keep on the housekeeper too for awhile. And he's sending Rhonda 'round a couple of times a week after the nurse leaves to let you go out and get some sunshine and exercise."

"Oh but Steed, it's not necessary. I'm more then capable of taking care of everything myself. I don't want anyone to go to any more trouble then they already have."

"I doubt Mother looks at it as any kind of trouble love. He wants to help in any way he can. And you know Mother. You can tell him no until you are blue in the face and he'll just go ahead and do it anyway."

"I suppose so. I guess it will be all right for a couple of more days."

"You need more then a couple of days love."

"Oh for heaven's sake! She's putting on a show for you Mr. Steed, playing the helpless widow and sick mother. That's how she snared my son I'll bet, playing up to his generosity. She'll milk this for several weeks and then go off with some man, and send the baby off to boarding school somewhere so she doesn't have to be bothered with her. You may have been able to fool my son and Mr. Steed my girl, but you can't fool me. Anyone who has lived such a loose life style as you have can never be satisfied in living a decent one. Mark my words girl, my son's death is your punishment for all the lies and deceit you've lived and practiced. Was it worth it?"

Before Steed could fire off an angry retort, Tara cut in quietly.

"I loved him. You may never believe it, but it's true. I can't make you see that and I've given up trying. Roger was my heart, my soul, my life. I.." Tara stopped as she put up a shaking hand to her lips trying to hold back the tears that were threatening to spill over. She turned her eyes away from Mary as she looked out of the window trying to regain some control. She saw they were now at the burial site and the limousine pulled to a stop. Not another word was said by anyone as they all got out of the car. Mary marched on ahead, but James, Steed and Tara stood still for just a moment.

"Don't take her words too much to heart child. She's naturally upset about Roger."

"Are you all right James?" Tara asked as she squeezed his hand gently. Her heart ached for him as she saw how gray and haggerd he looked, much the same way Steed had when he had come to tell her about Roger's death.

"Not yet, but I will be." James walked away from them slowly, his shoulders bent with grief. Tara turned to Steed, her eyes filled with tears.

"Oh how horribly hard this must be for him." Steed didn't say a word as he pulled out his handkerchief and wiped her eyes gently. He kissed her forehead and put his arm around her as he escorted her to the grave where Tara would watch three of the happiest years of her life be buried in the cold earth.


	4. Chapter 4

"Miss Tara?" Tara felt a smaller, warm hand gently press her arm as she sat by the window rocking Elizabeth to sleep. She turned to see Elliot staring at her sadly, his brown eyes filled with sympathy and pain. She lifted her arm and stroked his hair fondly. She felt bad for the little chap. Well not so little now. He was just over eleven years old, but he had still regarded Roger with a bit of hero worship. 

"How are you doing love?" She asked tenderly. Elliot gave a deep, heart wrenching sigh as his eyes filled with tears.

"I'm okay. I'm going to miss coming here though and seeing Roger. And you." he said almost as an after thought. Tara smiled.

"You can come here any time you want love. I hope you will even if Roger isn't here any more."

"Can I still help with the grounds? I'm old enough and strong enough to do everything Roger did."

"Of course you can. Here. Come with me for a moment." Tara stood up and put a hand on Elliot's shoulder as she guided him past all the people who had come over after the funeral, towards Roger's study. On the way, she stopped for a moment and handed Steed the baby after whispering something in his ear. Elliot watched as Steed took the baby from her, listened for a moment and then gave her a small kiss on the forehead. He then smiled down at Elliot who smiled back a little at him. He knew Mr. Steed and liked him, but right now, he was feeling too sad about Roger to pay too much attention to him. Besides, he had things he wanted to talk to Miss Tara about and he wanted to do it now while he was still able to.

They entered Roger's study and Tara hesitated for just a moment at the door after turning the light on. She hadn't entered this room or their bedroom for the past four days. She just hadn't been able to until now.

"Come here love." she said as she led Elliot over to Roger's desk where a snap of Roger and Elliot stood on the corner. It was surrounded by several others, some of Tara, some of Roger's parents, and one, yet unframed, of Elizabeth, taken when she was less then six hours old. She took up the picture of Elliot and Roger and handed it to the boy as well as a pen knife that lay beside it.

"Now, look around the room. Is there anything else you would like to have to remember him by?" she asked, her voice thick with emotion as she saw the tears run heavily down Elliot's face as he looked at the picture. He couldn't speak so he just shook his head and sat down in Roger's chair. Tara knelt down beside him and took him into his arms as he placed the picture and penknife down on the desk, sobbing uncontrollably against her shoulder, hugging her fiercely. Her own tears fell hot and heavy as she held him to her, trying to comfort the boy. After awhile, he stopped crying and pulled away from her to wipe his eyes on his sleeve. Tara smiled through her tears as she handed him a box of tissues.

"Here darling. I think your mother would prefer you to use these." she said as she took a couple for herself and wiped her own eyes as she stood up and leaned against the desk. She ran her fingers through his hair again.

"All right now?" she asked. Elliot nodded his head, still unable to speak and stood up, motioning for her to sit down in his place. Tara smiled again as she took him up on his offer of the seat, a bit grateful as she was feeling a bit lightheaded and shaky having not eaten at all that day. Before either one of them could say anything though, there was a quiet knock at the door.

"Come in?" Tara said hesitantly, not really wanting to be disturbed, but worried that maybe there might be something wrong with Elizabeth. The door opened and in came Steed with a tray of tea, milk, and sandwiches

"Elizabeth is with Rhonda." Steed said quickly as he saw the look of worry on Tara's face. Tara relaxed a bit at the news.

"I thought maybe you two would like to have something to eat." he said with a smile.

"That was sweet of you. Thank you." Tara said as he placed the tray on the desk. Tara started to pour out the tea with shaking hands. Steed watched her for a moment and then motioned to Elliot.

"Can I have a word?" Steed asked as he walked over to the other end of the room, Elliot following in his wake. Tara saw Steed bend down slightly and whisper something in Elliot's ear. She saw the lad glance over at her and then back at Steed. Both of them straightened up, Elliot with a look of determination on his face gave Steed a curt nod before they parted. Elliot went back over to the desk and picked up a plate as Steed moved over to the door.

"If you need anything, just call." Steed said as he winked at Elliot who was now piling several sandwiches and some chocolate biscuits onto a plate. Tara smiled at Steed and then looked over at Elliot, her eyes widening at the amount of food he had taken.

"You must be hungry." She chided gently.

"It's not for me. Mr. Steed said I was to make sure you ate enough. He says you aren't eating properly and I agree. You're too thin for someone who just had a baby." Elliot said gruffly as he put the plate down in front of her. Tara stared at him for a moment. Those last words did not come from an eleven year old so he must be quoting Steed. Tara didn't know whether to laugh or go out and chastise Steed for using Elliot to get to her. He knew she wouldn't be able to deny the boy anything and it made her feel a bit peeved at him, but her tiny bit of anger evaporated when she saw the true concern in Elliot's face as he looked at her own thin face and shaking hands. She smiled sweetly at him and he smiled back at her.

Steed relaxed and smiled as he heard for the first time in days her pretty laugh coming through the closed door.


	5. Chapter 5

Tara sat alone in Roger's study. After Elliot left, she needed time to think. Their conversation had been hard on Tara, though she tried to not let it show in her face or let it be heard in her voice. Elliot had needed to talk. Although he was eleven, he had never known anyone or anything, not even a pet, to die and so Roger's death was very hard on him. After his tears were spent and he saw that Tara was at least attempting to eat, he had started talking about all the times he had spent with his friend. Roger wasn't home often, and for a year he had been in Berlin, but when he was home, Elliot and he would spend time together working on Roger's house and grounds. 

At first Tara listened intently, picturing in her mind Roger teaching Elliot how to hold a hammer or paintbrush. It became painful after awhile when the picture of Roger and Elliot were replaced by pictures of Roger and Elizabeth. She could see him, almost hear him showing their tiny little daughter how to hammer a nail, his large hands over hers in order to protect them. She saw him kissing her with delight when she succeeded or comforting her when she failed. Damn it! He was supposed to be here, cuddling his baby girl in his arms, singing to her, kissing her tiny little head and hands, delighting in the feel of her tiny fingers wrapping around one of his own larger ones. The pain in her chest worsened as a chance glance at the picture of Elizabeth caught her eye when she lay down the sandwich she had been trying to eat. She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Fortunately someone knocked at the door and so Elliot never saw the pain he was inadvertently causing her.

"Elliot? Time to go home son. You have school tomorrow. Tara? Is there anything we can do? Anything you need?" Elliot's father asked as he waited.

"Just let Elliot come over when ever he wishes. I could use his help this summer." Tara said with a small smile to Elliot as he picked up his picture and knife.

"I'm sure he'll like that. If you need anything just give us a ring. Come along Elliot."

"Bye Miss Tara. Thank you for everything. I'll come by Sunday if you still want me to." Elliot said as he gave her a kiss and a hug. Tara hugged him back, holding him to her for just a moment.

"Take care love. I'll see you Sunday and if the weather is good, we can work out in the garden a bit."

"I'll work, you'll rest." Elliot said stoutly as he pulled away from her. He gave her a look that said he meant business and she had to hold back a laugh at the look of seriousness in his face. What a sweet little chap he was. Oh how hard this was going to be on him for awhile. Hopefully she would be able to mask her own pain while she tried to ease his.

The room was getting darker as the sun started to set. Judging from the quieter sounds coming to her through the closed door, many people had already left. She felt bad that she hadn't' been out there to say good by and thank them, but Elliot's needs had been more important at the time. Surely they would all understand. After a few moments of trying to compose herself, she left the study and went into the living room. Several people were still there, including Mother, Rhonda, Mary and James. Mary looked up sharply at Tara's entrance and gave her a nasty look.

"You've been in hiding for over an hour child. Mostly everyone has left and you didn't even have the decency to come out and thank them for all their kindnesses."

"Elliot needed to talk. He loved Roger dearly and he's too young to understand why he was taken from him."

"I'm sure his parents could have handled things without your help. What about your own daughter? You shouldn't leave her so much with perfect strangers. That woman over there has been taking care of her while you were off chatting." Mary pointed over to Rhonda who was cuddling the baby in her arms while Mother watched.

"Rhonda is a friend and colleague I trust her with Elizabeth."

"Be that as it may, you.." Mary was cut off by James.

"That's enough Mary. Leave the girl be. It's time we went home ourselves. I'm sure Tara would like to get some rest now."

"Oh, please don't leave. I'm all right." Tara said to James. She felt horrible that she hadn't spent as much time with them as she should have. They had lost their son but she had acted as if she were the only one to have suffered any kind of loss.

"No dear. You need to rest. We will see you Thursday. Maybe we can have lunch then and spend some time together."

"Thursday?" Tara asked in confusion. That was the day after tomorrow. What was so significant about Thursday?

"At the reading of Roger's will. His solicitor called while you were with the boy. The reading is at noon at his office. Do you know where it is?" James asked. Tara gasped and turned white as reality hit her. After Roger's will was read everything would be over. This part of her life would be dead.

"Oh. Uhm..Yes..I know where it is. I'll...I'll be there. Please ring me if you need anything in the meantime." Tara stammered as she weakly sat down, the pain in her chest growing in intensity once more.

"Take care of yourself my dear. Come along Mary." James and Mary left with Mary protesting loudly on the way out. Tara didn't notice as she stared at the fireplace in front of her. Suddenly she felt a warm hand press her cold one. She looked over to see Mother sitting by her side.

"Rhonda and I will be back on Friday to take care of Elizabeth while you are at the doctor's. If you need anything at all, you know how to reach me."

"Oh Mother, please don't go to any trouble. The nurse will take care of her."

'Nonsense child. It's no trouble to me whatsoever. In fact it will be a nice diversion. Now I won't take no for an answer. I've already made plans for the day and have every intention of seeing them through. Good bye my dear." Mother, seeing the look of protest on Tara's face, gave her hand a quick kiss and quickly made his escape with Rhonda before Tara could say another word. Hot tears wet her eyelashes as one by one, the other guests left, stopping briefly to say something to her and promise help if she needed it. Soon the house was empty save her, Steed, the nurse, housekeeper, and Elizabeth who was now sleeping in Tara's arms.

"Come love. You need to lay down. I'll bring you some coffee and something to eat. Then you can sleep. The nurse will take care of the baby for tonight."

"No. I want Elizabeth with me. I need her with me." Tara choked out as the tears she had been holding back all day came in a flood and fell on to Elizabeth's tiny head. Silently the nurse took the baby from her as Steed sat down and pulled Tara into his arms, letting her cry until her exhaustion took over and she fell asleep in his arms.


	6. Chapter 6

Tara woke up to the sound of the baby crying. She opened her eyes slowly as she sat up. She had a nasty headache and her eyes were still swollen and sore from her crying jag earlier. She reached over into the bassinet and picked Elizabeth up. It was no wonder she was crying. She was wet and cold. 

"Poor darling. Don't cry. Mummy will make it better." Tara whispered as she held the baby close. She took her into the nursery, trying to be quiet as she walked through the living room so as not to wake the nurse and housekeeper. She seemed to have succeeded when she didn't hear any doors opening as she entered the nursery and went straight to the changing table. Quickly, Tara changed the little girl and then sat down in a nearby chair to nurse her. Just as she started to relax, the door opened quietly. Startled, Tara jumped slightly, causing the baby to loose the nipple and start crying again.

"Tara? Is everything all right?" Steed asked as he stepped through the door.

"Oh Steed! You scared me. I didn't know you were still here." Tara said as she calmed down. She placed the baby back at her breast and covered her and herself up a bit.

"Sorry love. I heard Elizabeth crying. I just wanted to make sure she was all right."

"She's fine. She needed changed and fed that's all. What time is it?"

"About eight thirty."

"At night? Is that all? I thought it was much later. I'm so tired."

"That's because you've been under so much stress lately and you've over taxed yourself." Steed said as he stepped up behind her and started to gently massage her shoulders and neck.

"So have you. John, I'm so sorry. You've done so much these past few days and I've been so selfish, not giving much thought to how anyone else may be feeling about all this. Poor Mary and James, they've lost their son, you've lost your partner and friend, Mother has lost an agent he liked, Elliot has lost his best friend and here I've been acting as if I were the only person in the world who had any right to be in pain." Tara said as she looked down at the baby in her arms. Steed stopped rubbing her shoulders, bent down and kissed the back of her neck. He then knelt down on the floor beside her and took her face into his hands, gently forcing her to look at him.

"Sweet girl, you have not been selfish in any sense of the word. When Elliot left here yesterday, he looked much happier then he had when he first arrived. Spending time with you meant a great deal to him. As for Mary Lars, you've tried to do everything you can, but she's refused any help from you. That's not your fault. James is as worried about you as you are about him. I'm sure the two of you will have your chance to spend time together when you are well enough to do so. And as for me, Mother, and anyone else, I think your letting us help you when and where we can is the best kind of therapy. Now Mother has given me liberal leave for awhile. If it's all right with you, I'd like to stay here for a few days, take you where ever you need to go, take you out for dinner when you are feeling better, spend some time helping you with anything that needs done, or just sit and talk if you want. All right?"

Tara didn't speak, couldn't speak. She could only give him a look that spoke volumes to him as she lay her head on his shoulder while he stroked her hair and face and felt some of the tension in her body fade away. After a few minutes of silence, Steed pulled away and kissed her face.

"Why don't we go into the kitchen and I'll make us something to eat. Then you can go back to bed and try and get some more sleep."

"I'll be there in a few minutes. Let me just finish feeding her and put her back to bed."

"Would you like coffee or tea?"

"Actually, hot cocoa sounds better."

"You're right it does. Take your time love." Steed kissed her once again and left. Tara looked down at the baby who was sound asleep. She gently pulled her breast away from the baby's mouth and fixed her clothing. Standing up, she placed the baby at her shoulder and paced the floor for a few moments, enjoying the feel of Elizabeth's tiny head against her neck. Finally she walked over the bassinet and kissed her forehead before laying her down and covering her up warmly.

"Thank God for John Steed and you my love. I don't think I could survive without you two now that Roger is gone."


	7. Chapter 7

"Mrs. Lars, as you know, Mr. Lars updated his will just over two weeks ago. The only people mentioned in his will are those who are present, however, because he updated just before his death, anyone here could protest it's contents, thereby locking everything until a court hearing. However, I, as his solicitor, have no reason to believe that the changes made were done under any type of duress. The changes that were made were only to include your daughter. If anyone here believes that this will is not legally binding in anyway, please consult an attorney to file a motion with the courts. Is this clear to all who are present? Good, then we shall proceed." 

Steed watched Tara's face as the solicitor began to read Roger's will out loud to them. She kept her eyes down as she listened quietly, only looking up with mild surprise at the amount of money Roger had managed to squirrel away over the past few years. They had never really talked about money simply because Tara couldn't have cared less about it. She married Roger because she loved him, not his money. As far as she had been concerned, he could have dug ditches for a living and she still would have wanted to spend the rest of her life with him, even if it meant living in a hovel somewhere. Mary had maliciously pointed out that it was easy enough to say that when it wasn't even a concern, but Steed knew Tara well enough to believe she meant every word. Tara had had no need to marry for money. Childish as she had first appeared to him when they first started working together, he soon found out what a brilliant mind she had when it came to putting her money carefully away into various accounts and businesses. She had no faith in stocks or bonds, pointing out time and again historical facts about great losses suffered by those who invested in them. Before she bought any land or business, she carefully looked over it's history and potential before putting her money down. The end results were that by the age of twenty two, Tara only worked because she wanted to, not because she had to.

Now it looked as if Roger had done much the same thing. He had invested wisely, put money carefully away over the years, saved every penny he could and left Tara enough to live comfortably on for the rest of her life. Add to it the stipend the agency would pay her and her inheritance from her father, Tara would never have to work again unless she chose to. She would also be able to provide for her baby a very comfortable life and excellent education. Roger had also set aside funds for his parents if they needed it, the balance if any, to be turned over to Elizabeth at their passing. He had also set aside funds for Elizabeth's education and health care, the balance to be turned over to her when she turned twenty five Steed's thoughts were interrupted when he heard his own name mentioned by the solicitor.

"To John Steed I leave the following items: A bottle of champagne that is secured in my desk drawer. Tara knows how to access it so ask her for it and then the two of you enjoy it in good health. Also I leave my antique service weapons in your care. I'm sure you will appreciate their uniqueness better then anyone I can think of.

The rest of my personal belongings I leave to Tara to dispose of to those she knows will want them.

My love to all of you now and in the future."

"I also have here a packet of letters Mr. Lars has given to me for each of you. One of them he wished me to read out loud, the rest are addressed individually and are to be opened and read at your leisure. Shall I proceed? Very good then." The solicitor said as he picked up an envelope and opened it. He started to read out loud.

"My dearest Tara, I'm sitting here next to your bed watching you sleep. When I think just how close I came to losing you just a few hours ago, I want to grab you up in my arms and run away with you, to protect you from any further harm or illness. You look so pale, your face is lined with pain, even in sleep, but there is also a sweet look of happiness and peace that I believe only a mother's face can hold, making you look even more beautiful then ever before. Oh how I wish I could protect you from the sadness and pain that will inevitably come into our lives, but if you are hearing this, then I know I can't. Don't grieve too much love. Know that you have made me the happiest man on earth and that I love you more and more each day that we are together.

Mum and Dad, how do I tell you how much you mean to me? It's because of you that I have had one of the happiest childhoods imaginable. You gave me everything a boy could ever want or need. A happy life, a good education, and as Tara would probably say, a warped sense of humor which has more then helped me in working with Steed. Thank you both for all your love and sacrifices over the years.

John old man, you have been a great friend and wonderful partner. I'm sure it's because of you that Tara hasn't strangled me over the past three years. I don't forget how often you came over to comfort us when we lost our first child and how supportive you were during these past eight months. Take care of my beautiful girls for me. There's a good man.

Enough of this sentimental rot now. Tara, be happy love. Let me hear you laugh again. Come on, you can do it. Picture Steed in my apron and head dress. Better yet, picture Mother in them. Good girl. Steed, make her laugh often. Tell her one of your god awful puns. No, better not. She has a mean left hook and may very well feel inclined to use it.

Tara darling, I love you now and forever.

Roger."

There was a deep silence for several moments after the solicitor finished reading. Tara's tears overflowed her eyes, but they weren't tears of pain and sorrow this time. They were softer and sweeter because of the love she could feel enveloping her from the simple heartfelt words that had just been read. She had laughed a bit at his silly comments he had made. How so very like him to try and make her laugh. Oh how she was going to miss him.

Mary Lars sat there holding her husband's hand and frowned. She didn't think about her son's final words to her, only his ending sentence to the girl she hated so much. The brief will and letter had been mostly about her and the baby. The baby she could understand, but why to her? They had only been married three years or so. Surely that wasn't enough time to leave her everything. For her part, Mary didn't care about the money for herself, but given the girl's reputation with men, she was sure Tara would spend the money recklessly, leaving little for her daughter in the end.

"I think James and I should handle the baby's inheritance. You are too young my dear to be entrusted with so much money. We will make sure all of her needs are met, now and in the future. If Roger had had time to consult with us, I'm sure he would have agreed." Mary said to Tara.

"I'm afraid Mrs. Lars, that the will is very specific. Mr. Lars has mandated that his wife be in sole charge of the child's inheritance. Unless you can prove that Mrs. Lars is incompetent in any way, no court will uphold your suggestion." The solicitor responded before Tara or Steed, who had bristled at Mary's words, could speak.

"But what about her morals? Wouldn't those alone speak of her unfitness to be a mother, or incapable of making sound decisions as to her child's money?" Mary demanded.

"What are you talking about Mrs. Lars?"

"Her morals! I found her and my son in his home, having sex, before they were married! Doesn't that count for anything?"

"Mrs. Lars, even if you had photographs of what you say you saw, it would not hold up in court. Two adults having consensual intercourse before marriage is not against the law by any stretch of the imagination Mrs. Lars is a highly respected government official as was your son. Her record is clean and holds many accolades awarded to her for services rendered to her country. If you were to try and take her to court based on your flimsy accusations, her government records would weigh heavier and you will have only wasted your time and money in trying to prove her unfit. As I said at the beginning, you are free to file a motion with the courts, but if I were you, I wouldn't waste my time."

"We won't be filing any such thing. Tara my dear, I trust you. Have no worries, you will be left in peace. I only hope that you will let us see our granddaughter once in awhile." James said before Mary could give the solicitor a biting retort.

"You are welcome to see Elizabeth anytime and as often as you wish. Mary, I have tried my hardest to make you see that I married Roger because I loved him, nothing more, nothing less. You have refused to see anything other then your own sordid view of events that were, quite frankly, none of your business. I want Elizabeth to know her grandparents. You are the only ones she has left. But let me state here and now, if I feel you will harm her in anyway, by action or word, I will not permit you to see her again, until she's old enough to take care of herself. I must protect her and have every intention of doing so in anyway that I can. If there is nothing else, then I must leave. I have to get back to Elizabeth." Tara spoke quietly and with great dignity Steed had never been more proud of her then at that moment.

In silence and with a large smile, the solicitor handed her two packets of letters, one addressed to her, the other to Elizabeth for when she was older. He handed another packet to Steed who had reached over to shake his hand. Tara stood up and went over to James, whom she kissed gently on the cheek. She then, much to Steed's surprise, went over to Mary and kissed her on the forehead and gave her shoulder a gentle squeeze.

"I would like to meet with you for lunch in a week or two. Just the two of us so we can talk." Tara said quietly. Then without another word or look, Tara left the office with Steed who smiled and followed her out the door.


	8. Chapter 8

"So, where would you like to go for lunch?" Steed asked as he and Tara exited the doctor's office. Tara had just had the stitches and staples removed and received a strong suggestion from the doctor to eat more and rest. He had been concerned about her pale face and the dark circles under her eyes. He knew what had happened, but she had just had major surgery a little over two weeks prior and her health was precarious. After a quick word with Steed about not leaving her alone for any length of time and to make sure she ate, he sent her home with a stern warning that if she didn't do exactly as he stated, she would end up back in the hospital. 

"Anywhere is fine. I'm not really.."

"I know...all that hungry." Steed finished her sentence for her. "Tara, you need to start eating more. I'm under Mother's orders to make sure you do. What did the doctor say?" Steed asked lightly as he glanced at her out of the corner of his eye. Tara sighed as he helped her into his car.

"The same thing." she said as Steed took his place behind the steering wheel.

"Good. That's five out of six." Tara looked at him slightly confused.

"Five out of six? How do you figure?"

"Mother, myself, Rhonda, Tara Junior, the doctor. You seem to be the only one holding out. Maybe I can sway your vote. I know a lovely little place around the corner from here. And I will order for you. I have a feeling that if I leave you to your own devices, you'll end up ordering a lettuce leaf and glass of water and you won't eat more then half the leaf, so I'm going to make sure you eat a meal fit for a king, then we will go out for a short walk in the park. The sunshine and exercise will do you good."

"John, it all sounds very nice, but I can't stay away too long. The baby..."

"Is just fine. She's with Rhonda and Mother who will spoil her shamelessly. Besides, as I said before, I'm under Mother's orders. I'm not to bring you back before six pm or risk being subjected to Mother's quotations of select poems for the rest of the week. Now, would you really do that to a friend?" Steed's face fell into a look of deep sorrow and fear. Tara laughed.

"I suppose I have no choice?"

"You suppose right my dear. So be kind to me and save me from a week of torture. And remember, your daughter had a very big say in all this."

"Did she now? Not even three weeks old and voicing her opinion already?"

"Don't they all?"

Tara was smiling when she and Steed walked into her home, but the smile dropped as she surveyed her living room with shock. It now looked like a toy shop and that the only thing missing was a clerk. Rhonda, who with the baby in her arms, came over to meet them, gave Tara an "I'm innocent" look and pointed to Mother who was expertly tying a bow tie on an over sized stuffed giraffe Steed, standing behind Tara with his hand on her shoulder, covered a laugh with a cough.

"Mother, I hope you have room in your car to take all your toys home with you." Steed said with a smirk. Mother glared up at him.

"These are not mine. They are for the baby." He said as he gestured around the room. Tara's eyes widened as they followed his hands and took in what all was there. A tricycle, boxes and boxes of baby clothes, a half hundred assorted games and books, puzzles, dolls, dresses for the dolls, a bicycle, a very large doll house complete with furniture and another thirty or so boxes still wrapped up in brightly colored paper and ribbons. Still in shock, Tara took the baby from Rhonda and carefully stepped around the mounds of toys and went up to Mother, not knowing if she should laugh at him, or scold him.

"Uhm Mother, this is all very sweet of you really, but she is only three weeks old." Tara said gently unable to chastise him after seeing the look of delight on his face.

"I know that. I came to see her the day she was born and I am still more than capable of counting. I just want to be sure neither one of you lacks for anything. I promised you that the agency would take care of you two and it will. I will." Tara could see in his face that he meant every word he said and that he really wanted to do anything he could to help in some way. Her eyes filled with tears as she bent down and kissed his cheek. He closed his eyes and gave her a brief, one armed hug for just a moment and then gruffly cleared his throat when she moved away.

"That's enough of that now. Have a seat child and tell me how you enjoyed your day out."

"I enjoyed it immensely Thank you very much. I hope the baby wasn't any trouble."

"None whatsoever. I hope you ate a good meal?" Mother looked at Steed who nodded.

"She did. Not that she had any choice. Once she knew that she was out numbered, she surrendered quite nicely." Steed smiled.

"Good. Maybe this weekend we can stage another full frontal assault to make sure she gets a little more sun, food, and exercise. Now, it's getting late my dear. You need your rest. That's an order. And don't try to argue. Good night my dear. Come along Rhonda. We have work to do." Mother ordered. After the two of them left, Tara sat down on the sofa and looked down at the baby in her arms. Tara smiled down at the infant who was looking up at her, her hazel eyes trying to focus and follow her mother's face.

"I'm afraid to leave you with them this weekend my love. I may just come home to find a pony in here." she said as she softly touched the baby's forehead and face. Steed sat next to them and touched the little girl's hand. She immediately grasped his finger. Steed smiled and put his arm around Tara's slim shoulders. He kissed her on the temple.

"You don't have to worry about coming home to find a pony this weekend. Mother promised that I could buy the pony." Tara looked at him and smiled.

"You would."

"Of course I would. If I remember correctly, you have a certain fondness for horses yourself. It's only natural that Tara junior will too."

"Don't call her that. Yes, I love horses and riding, but she is just a little too young for one and I have no intention of keeping one around until she's older."

"Poor little girl. You're mummy is going to be one of those horrible people who never lets you have anything, isn't she? Oh well, we'll get around her somehow. Don't you worry about it."

"So there's to be a conspiracy between you two eh? We'll just have to see about that." Steed gave a mock look of worry at the baby who's eyes were now slowly closing as Tara rocked her gently.

"Meet me later at the pub and we'll discuss our plans in private." Steed whispered to the baby. Tara looked at him and smiled again.

"I'm afraid you're going to have to do your planning when she wakes up after her nap. I'm just going to put her to bed and then I'll make us some tea."

"Put her to bed, I'll go make the tea. As Mother said, you need your rest." Steed said as he helped her up. She looked very tired and the faint color that had come to her cheeks while they were out earlier had faded away, leaving her face pale again. After Tara, with a small smile left the room, Steed looked at his watch. It was nearly seven pm. Since he had sent the nurse and housekeeper away for a two day holiday, he would stay another night or two, just to keep Tara company. He didn't want to leave her alone just yet and this would be a good excuse to stay. He knew she was exhausted and would probably be ready to fall asleep very soon, so he decided to make them a light supper along with the tea. Just as he placed a pot of soup on the stove, he heard Tara's footsteps behind him.

"She's all settled then?" Steed asked as Tara pulled cups down and set them on the sink.

"Yes. She should sleep for two or three hours. Oh my. It's going to take a week to find places for all the things Mother bought her. Do you know he even stuffed the nursery full of things for her?"

"Not a pony I hope?"

"No, not a pony, thank God. You would have heard me scream if he had."

"Good, because I'm sure it's written somewhere in the godfather's manual that I'm supposed to buy the pony."

"No ponies Steed."

"A little one?"

"No." Steed gave her a small pout that reminded her so much of Roger, she took a sharp breath and quickly turned away from him. Steed saw the look and immediately regretted his teasing, but he smiled when after she composed herself, she turned back to him with a smile of her own.

"All right, a little one. When she turns twenty."

"Elizabeth or the pony?"

Tara laughed at him. She couldn't help it. It wasn't so much that he reminded her of Roger just then, it was more because he was acting more like himself then he had the past few days. He had been more then sweet, kind, caring, and gentle around her as he had tried to ease her pain and sorrow and it had helped a great deal, but now she needed things to start going back to normal. She knew she would have to pick up many of the pieces of her shattered world alone and she could accept that now, but it was nice that Steed started to pick up some of the larger pieces for her and put them back into place.

Steed watched her laugh and was happy to hear the sweet sound, knowing that it was the first very small step towards her getting her life back together. He silently swore to himself to let her now take the lead, but he would stay very close behind to catch her if she fell again.


	9. Chapter 9

Tara stood staring into the closet where Roger's clothes hung neatly next to hers. It had been six weeks since he had been buried and she felt it was now time to start building her life without him. But it was hard. Other than giving away a few of his things to people she knew who would like to have them, she hadn't really accomplished much. 

"Get going girl. It's not going to get any easier with time. Be ruthless. Remember, he's not coming back, so keeping things like his clothes around is just foolish. Someone else may be able to get good use of them." she told herself. Determinedly, she started pulling out his suits one by one and laying them neatly across the bed she had been unable to sleep in until two weeks ago. Too many memories, especially since the faint scent of his cologne still lingered on his pillows, despite repeated washings. When she finished emptying the closet and moved her clothes to fill the empty space, she went over to the dresser and opened the top drawer where he kept his socks, handkerchiefs, wallets, and other sundry stuff. After clearing out the first drawer, she started on the second and that's where she met her downfall for the first time in weeks. On top of his undershirts was a small, badly knitted jumper she had made for him as a joke.

He had been teasing her about how in the old days, mother's hand knitted and sewed all their babies clothes. This had been while she was laid up in bed, picking out clothes and furniture for their unborn child. While Tara could sew, she had never learned to knit and had no real desire to. But after his teasing, she decided to learn just enough to make a knit cap for the baby in the most outrageous colors she could imagine. Since the nurse could knit, Tara told her of her plans and asked her if she could teach her how to make a cap. Enjoying the joke as much as Tara, she suggested a jumper instead since it would be more difficult and take up more of Tara's time, keeping her from getting bored laying in bed most of the time. Tara gave her the money and the nurse went out and bought very vivid hued yarns, knitting needles, and a pattern book. Tara chose the ugliest looking jumper she could find and started learning right off. After three weeks it was done and hidden away in Roger's second drawer that night. She had forgotten about it until the next morning when his yells woke her up with a start.

"My God! What the hell is that?" he yelled as he gingerly lifted it out of the drawer and held it away from him as if it were a snake. Tara laughed at the look on his face. There her husband was, standing fully naked, fresh from his shower, holding out a tiny jumper that looked like something the cat drug in. She wished she had a camera handy, but as luck would have it, the camera was in the living room.

"Don't you like it? I knitted it myself for the baby." Tara tried her hardest to look hurt and upset, but Roger looked too damn funny for her to keep a straight face.

"Good lord Tara! I thought it was some type of mutant tarantula invading my shirts!" He said as he surveyed the ragged looking pompoms that ran down the front of it. Tara laughed even harder at his look of disgust.

"Don't you want the matching one I made for you?"

"Did you really?"

"No, but I could if you want me to."

"Give me the needles, yarn, and pattern books woman. I'm going to take them out to sea and throw them in."

"No, I don't think I will. I had such fun making the jumper, I thought I'd knit you one as well as a tie and some socks for Christmas."

"You wouldn't dare!"

"Of course I would. Especially if you harp on me about knitting and sewing everything by hand again."

Roger fell to his knees and crawled over to her, making her laugh even harder at seeing him still naked on the floor.

"Forgive me! I will never, ever, suggest you sew or knit again." he said as he bent his head down as if awaiting for her forgiveness.

"Do you swear?"

"Upon Steed's head, I swear it."

"Mmm...I'm not sure I believe you. Try again."

"Cross my heart and hope to die?"

"Nope."

"How about this? If I ever even point to a hand knitted item again, I'll let you make me a jumper just like this one and I'll wear it."

"Out in public?"

"That's cruel and unusual punishment!"

"Hmmm...green, orange, and purple are your colors I think."

"All right! All right! Out in public."

"Good. Now, while I'm thoroughly enjoying seeing you in all your glory, you should probably get dressed now before you catch cold."

"Thank you Your Majesty."

"Your Highness will do."

Tara laughed as much as she cried over the memory. Tenderly she put the jumper back into the drawer and shut the drawer firmly after wiping away her tears. She left the room in it's present state when she heard the baby cry. She would have to do this later. She just wasn't ready yet.


	10. Chapter 10

Steed walked into the house and saw the living room filled with brown cardboard boxes of various sizes. Standing amongst them was Tara, her eyes red rimmed and slightly swollen, her face showing the stress she was under. He made his way over to her and she jumped slightly when she realized for the first time he was there. 

"John! You scared me. I didn't hear you come in." Tara said as she hugged him.

"Sorry. I should have called first. I didn't know you were busy." he said as he hugged her back and then kissed her on top of her head. He kept an arm around her waist as she pulled out his embrace.

"I was busy, but I've finally finished up I think." Tara said as she surveyed the organized chaos in her usually neat living room.

"Roger's things?" Steed asked casually though he knew that this must be upsetting her.

"Yes. Though now..." Her voice trailed off as she tried to fight back the tears that threatened to spill over again. This had been horribly hard on her to pack up his things and send them off, knowing she'd never see them again. She had been fighting off this moment for weeks on end. She hadn't wanted to complete the horrible changes that had come into her life, but as time went on she knew that she had to. It had been four months and it was time to let Roger go. She knew he would want her to, but the thought of erasing him completely from her as if he had never existed made her feel as if she had taken her own beating heart from her chest and crushed it between her fingers as she packed up each item that she felt would serve someone better then herself.

"Now you aren't sure if you've done the right thing? There are no rules stating you have to give his things away love. Keep them if they make you happy."

"I don't know if they do that either. I don't know how to explain it, but I don't want to wrap up the rest of my life in a dusty shrine to him either. Part of me feels as if I were destroying his existence, another part feels as if I'll go mad if I don't start ridding myself of constant reminders of him. I've even thought about selling the house."

"Do you really want to?"

"I don't know. I don't know what I want any more. Yes I do. I want him back. Not his things, him. I want him to be here with me where he belongs. Not buried six feet under ground where I can't reach him. I need to get out of here Steed. I need to get away from this and think. I don't know what to do now. The very thought of sending off all his things is tearing me apart." Tara said as she sat down on the sofa. She didn't cry but there was a desperate sound in her voice as if she wanted to run away from all this. She didn't want to cry any more. She had been crying all day as she had packed up and she just didn't feel like crying any more though her just healing heart was starting to break once again. She needed to get away.

"Pack up some clothes for you and Elizabeth. Enough for two or three days. Bring anything you want or need. I'll take care of the baby while you pack." Steed said as he held out his hand to her and pulled her back up.

"What? Why? Where are we going?" Tara asked startled at the suddenness of Steed's orders.

"Just what you wanted. I'm taking you away from this for a couple of days. We'll go back to my place. You and Elizabeth can have the guest room. I can borrow a portable crib from my sister and if you forget anything, we can always go out and buy whatever you need."

"Oh, that sounds lovely and you are very sweet, but I can't put you out like that. I'll be all right."

"You aren't putting me out and I always enjoy your company. Now listen to my suggestion. We go to my place for a couple of days, longer if you want. We'll go for long drives, or walks, go shopping, out to dinner. Give you time to clear your head. When you are ready, we'll come back here and instead of just mailing off these boxes, we'll store them in one of your guest rooms. That way, you can take all the time you need to decide when you are ready to do whatever it is you want to do. This way, you can arrange the house so that you feel more comfortable and yet his things are close by if you decide you want to keep them for yourself or for Elizabeth. I personally think you are trying to do too much too soon. It's only been four months."

"Oh, but I need to get my life back together."

"You are getting your life back together, but it takes time love. There is no rush to do this. Now go get ready. I'll call Rhonda and see if she can't come over this evening and take care of the baby while you and I go out to dinner and talk."

"But.."

"No arguments. You need to get away. Go on now. We'll talk later." Steed said as he kissed her cheek and then gently pushed her towards her bedroom. She gave him a sweet smile of gratitude and then went off to pack while he picked up the phone to make his call.

Tara woke to the sound of the baby crying. She got out of bed and quickly went to her before her crying woke up Steed. The poor little thing was shivering. Somehow she had managed to kick off her covers and now she lay there cold and wet. Tara quickly cleaned her up and changed her, dressing her back up again in soft, warm pajamas and then picked her up and cuddled her as she went back to her bed. She propped the pillows against the headboard and lay back against them as she pulled a sleeve of her nightgown down to expose her breast so she could nurse.

"There you go love. Sweet girl. Do you know how much your mummy loves you?" Tara whispered to the baby. Gently she caressed the little head and face with one finger as her body relaxed against the pillows. Nothing gave her greater joy then moments like this, alone with her precious daughter, feeling the soft lips sucking on the nipple, the tiny hand clutching her breast in an off beat rhythm. Even when Roger had been alive, Tara had cherished this one on one interaction with her daughter. Men could never know the unique feeling of nursing a child. Tara knew several women who had chosen not to breastfeed and had advised Tara against it. They had tried to make her aware of the discomfort in between feedings, the engorged painful breasts, leaks at the most inopportune times, ruined clothing, uncomfortable nursing bras, etc. But the instinct to nurse had been strong in her and so she ignored their well meant advice and chose nature over convenience and comfort. She learned at the very start that they had all been right about each and every thing, however, they would never know the joys she had in these quiet moments.

As she nursed Tara thought about the very first time she had placed the baby to her breast. She had been in severe pain from the surgery so Roger sat on her bed and held her in his arms while he caressed her face and neck trying to help her relax. The nurse brought the baby into them then and Tara placed the tiny infant to her breast. Instinctively, the baby found the nipple and started to suck. Tears of extreme happiness flowed down her cheeks as she held the baby to her and Roger held them both to him. Tara would hold that memory for the rest of her life and she felt sorry for her friends who had chosen convenience over a life time of sweet, precious memories that gave her great comfort when she needed it the most.

Steed was pouring out two cups of coffee when Tara emerged from the bedroom with the baby in her arms an hour later. He was pleased to see how relaxed her face looked as she smiled at him.

"You are looking well rested and more beautiful then ever." he greeted her with honest admiration. She was looking beautiful, the harsh lines of pain and sorrow that had pervaded there over the past four months seemingly gone. He wasn't fool enough to think this was permanent, but he was glad to see that he had been right in taking her away from her home for a couple of days.

"I did sleep well. I hope Elizabeth didn't wake you this morning."

"Not at all. I've been awake since five."

"You were awake at five? _You_?" Tara asked in surprise. Unless he was on a case, she had never known Steed to be awake before ten in the morning.

"Don't look so surprised. I do, on occasion, like to get up early in the morning and greet the sun as it rises over the mountain tops."

"Oh yeah? And just when was the last occasion?"

"1964. It was a very special occasion." Steed smiled at the memory.

"And what, may I ask, or should I say who, was so special?"

"A lovely lass with a tattoo on her.." Tara held up her hand to stop him.

"I don't need to hear any more thank you."

"Well you did ask you know." Steed smirked.

"And I'm sorry I did." Tara laughed as she shook her head. It was a sweet sound to Steed's ears. Her rare laugh had become understandably even more rare of late, so it was delightful to hear it once again.

"And how is Tara junior this morning?" he asked as he took the baby from her so she could drink her coffee. He looked down at the tiny girl in his arms and once again it hit him as to how much she looked like her mother.

"Don't call her that." Tara said automatically. Steed had persisted in calling the baby Tara Junior from the time she was born and would probably continue to do so for the rest of his life.

"Well she does look exactly like you except smaller." Steed teased.

"Except that she has Roger's eyes and chin." Tara said softly as she looked over at her baby laying contentedly in Steed's arms.

"She's going to be a regular beauty when she grows up." Steed said admiringly.

"I'll be content if she just grows up healthy and happy."

"I don't think you have anything to worry about there. She looks perfectly healthy and happy to me." Steed said as he stroked the baby's soft cheek. There was silence for several minutes as Steed watched the baby's eyes wander around, stopping on occasion when something caught her interest. Tara watched them both, thinking sadly that it should have been Roger sitting across from her at their own table with the baby in his arms. She looked down into her coffee cup and tried to turn her thoughts to other things. Steed caught the look in her face.

"So what should we do today? I was thinking we could go for a nice long walk and then out to lunch unless you think it's too warm for her to be outside?"

"I'd rather just sit and talk." Tara said as she looked across the table at him. She didn't know why, but suddenly she wanted to hear Steed talk about Roger. She wanted to hear about the time they spent together, the cases they worked on, what was said and what was done. She wanted to know every detail. She wanted to know every blessed moment of every blessed day that he had spent with Steed when he wasn't with her. Until now, she had avoided the subject, turning away from any attempts from anyone who brought it up, except for Elliot. She had listened to him because he needed to talk and even though she would cry for what seemed like hours after he left, she also had realized that Elliot was giving her information about Roger that she never knew. Now she felt a desperate sort of longing to hear every detail from as many people as she could about Roger's life before and during their marriage.

Steed saw the hunger in her eyes for the details only he could provide. Being an agent, Tara needed the smaller, seemingly insignificant details that would put together in her mind, the bigger picture. Being a young woman whose heart had been broken into such small pieces, she needed the glue to put it back together, though some of those pieces would probably go missing forever, mostly due to her mother-in-law's reluctance to tell anything to the poor girl. So he talked. For hours at a time, he filled in the information she wanted. He had an excellent memory and a gift for story telling, so that Tara was able to picture Roger's every movement, hear the subtle inflictions in his voice, see the various emotions cross his face. For her, more then anything else Steed could have done, this was the most comforting, most healing day in her young life. It was as if he brought Roger back to her for a day, giving her a final chance to be with him and until the day she died, she was always grateful to him for it.

"As soon as we got the call from the nurse saying you had been taken to the hospital, Roger looked terrified. I had never seen him look so scared. He didn't say a word, but as soon as I put the car into gear, I saw his leg tighten up as if he were trying to push the car to go faster. I hadn't even stopped the car fully in front of the hospital before he was out and running to the doors. By the time I got in there, he had asked everyone he could find, about where you were. We found your nurse finally who filled us in with what little information she had. When an orderly finally directed us to a waiting area, not once would Roger sit down. He paced the floors for the next hour, constantly moving, constantly talking. I thought you were bad when you are nervous, he was even worse! Tara, I swear he wore a path into the floor from his constant pacing. Fortunately the doctor came in before he could put a hole in it and fall through. I thought I'd shed a few years in relief when the doctor said you were going to be all right, but your husband shed a good ten, leaving me with a hyperactive eight year old on my hands! As soon as the doctor left to back to you, Roger started jumping around, clapping his hands, hugging every stranger in the place and constantly yelling, "She's all right. She's all right!" It wasn't until I threatened him with no desert after dinner that he finally calmed down."

Tara laughed through her tears as she saw Roger acting the fool in her mind. Not once had she ever doubted that Roger loved her. Not even when they would have the occasional row that all married couples have. Their marriage hadn't been perfect. No marriage ever was, but they loved each other so very much, that those rare arguments never lasted for very long before one or the other of them was asking the other for forgiveness. More often then not, they would make love afterwards, and Tara would fall in love with him all over again, never regretting for one moment their whirlwind romance or her impulsive move to marry him. Steed's story of that day cemented in her mind that Roger loved her and that if things had been different, they would have stayed married forever. Would she ever be able to find that kind of love again? She doubted it. It was the rare gift given once in a life time. She knew that one day she might fall in love again with someone and would want to spend the rest of her life with him, but she would also have to approach with caution lest she try to compare him to Roger which could prove disastrous in the long run. She had loved Roger for his unique approach to life, his almost child like sense of humor, his caring and concern for others. She had loved his serious moments also. Those times when he would talk to her about the uncared for children he had seen in Berlin and on the streets of London. Roger loved children and it always broke his heart to see a child neglected or abused. They had talked many times of adopting, trying to save at least one child from a life time of sorrow. She didn't know if she would be allowed to adopt a child as a single woman, but she would find a way to make a difference. She would speak to her solicitor on Monday about starting up a foundation in Roger's name.

Steed watched her face closely as she sat across from him on the sofa while they talked. Many emotions had crossed her face that day, sorrow, anger, love, hurt, pain, joy, happiness. Both negative and positive, but at this very moment, as she cuddled her baby close to her and kissed her tenderly, there was a look of great peace that he had never seen there before. He hoped that he had given her enough to make it last.


	11. Chapter 11

Tara leaned against her favorite tree, day dreaming as she kept an eagle eye on her one year old trying to toddle off the blanket. She smiled gently as the baby gave up and lay on her stomach and ran her hand over the grass, laughing at the tickling feeling. As the baby explored her small portion of the world, Tara thought about how much her own had changed so rapidly. It had been a hard year for her since Roger's death, but also a very productive one. The Roger Lars Foundation for Abused and Neglected Children was well under way. She was happy to see that despite a precarious economy, donations were coming in rapidly. There were still a lot of details to be worked out. More so then average since she wouldn't allow even the smallest, seemingly insignificant detail pass her by, but it kept her busy and had a great healing effect for her. 

Her thoughts turned to Mary Lars for a brief moment. Mary had died back in November from pneumonia. Tara had given up trying to make Mary like her a long time ago and while she took the baby over from time to time to see her grandparents, she simply let Mary's sarcastic remarks wash over her and then shook them off. Mary's opinion no longer mattered to her. When James called her one night to tell her Mary was in the hospital and wasn't expected to live, Tara rushed over to be with her, but by the time she got there, she was too late. There were no last words of forgiveness to be exchanged, but James, grief stricken at the loss of his wife and son in the same year took her hand in his and told her something that eased the pain in her heart at the lost opportunity. Two days prior, as Mary lay in the hospital with James holding her hand, she turned to her husband with tears in her eyes.

"I'm going to see our son James. I only hope he can forgive me for the horrible way I treated the one woman in the world who brought him such happiness as Tara did these past four years. If I don't get the chance, tell her for me that I'm sorry." After a few words of love and endearment for her husband, she said no more and a few hours later she slipped into a coma. When she died, there had been a soft smile on her face and James knew she was holding their son in her arms once again.

Impulsively, Tara tried talking James into coming to live with her. The house was certainly big enough and she loved her father-in-law very much, but he refused saying he wanted to live out his life in his own home. Giving him time to grieve in his own way, Tara visited him frequently in order to keep him company, much in the same way Steed had done for her. After several months passed by, Tara asked him to head the board of directors of the Roger Lars foundation. He accepted immediately, happy to have something to do in memory of his son. He refused any payment and often contributed to some of the expenses out of his own pension.

The thought of Steed suddenly flashed in her mind. She hadn't seen him in months though he wrote or rang her often. He was off and running again, this time with two young protegees. Mother had retired taking Rhonda with him. The agency as Tara had known it, no longer existed. Gone were the days of spies and intrigue. From Steed's description, it sounded more like extended police work then anything else. Sweet Steed. He had moved on to bigger and better things, though he was starting to feel his age he said. Whenever they talked, they would reminisce about the cases they had worked on and compared them to his current cases. Modern technology had seemed to have taken out the finer points of espionage. Now computers analyzed the data that was found, looked at the clues without the human emotion that she and other agents had been subjected to, and came up with the answers much more quickly then she and Steed ever had. She didn't envy him one bit. It all sounded extremely boring to her and she felt sorry for him.

The world was changing as was she. Her thoughts were interrupted by Elizabeth who had crawled over to her and patted her knee.

"Mum. Mum. Bo." Tara laughed as she picked up the baby in her arms.

"You want Mummy to blow you some bubbles? Okay love. Sit here on Mummy's lap." Tara sat the baby down and picked up the small bottle of bubble mixture and started to entertain her little daughter, leaving her thoughts for another day.

Steed shielded his eyes from the sun as he looked around the park. For a moment, all he could see were trees, flowers, and a few children running across the grounds. Then he saw the most incredibly beautiful sight ever, just a few yards straight in front of him. So pretty was it, that it made his breath catch in his throat as he stood there and admired it for just a few moments. A beautiful, slender woman dressed simply in a black jacket, pink silk blouse and black slacks sat on a blue blanket. Her now shoulder length hair was pulled away from her face with a black ribbon with just a few stray curls surrounding her pretty face. The longer hair softened the sadness that had remained in her eyes for the past year. She was incredibly beautiful just then, but that was only part of the picture. In her lap sat a little mite of a child, clapping her hands gleefully as the woman blew bubbles with the small plastic wand. The child's delight made her mother laugh, and that laugh was what made John Steed a happy man. He enjoyed the scene being played out in front of him for just a few moments more and then walked over to them.

"Now if all the world could have seen the pretty picture I just saw, peace and love would rule the land." Steed said as he sat down on the blanket next to Tara and kissed her cheek. He then reached over and chucked the little girl under the chin.

"Steed! Oh it's so wonderful to see you again! Why didn't you tell me you were coming out?" Tara said with undisguised joy in her voice as she reached over to him and hugged him fiercely.

"I wanted to surprise you. I have a two week holiday coming to me and I thought I'd like to spend it with you. I've neglected you horribly these past few months."

"You've done no such thing. You've been busy saving the world from crime of which I am eternally grateful."

"Hardly. Purdey and Gambit are out having all the fun. I usually just sit back and let them do all the work."

"Steed, twenty years from now, you will still be knocking the bad guys about with your bowler and umbrella. You could never stand idly by. Remember when you were laid up with a broken leg?"

"That was just one man and you did all the leg work if I remember correctly. No pun intended. It seems to me I remember a certain young lady, with a beautiful, but misaligned tibia, taking on two men all by herself."

"That was purely survival instinct."

"Ditto."

Tara laughed and Steed smiled. He was not about to tell her that his job had grown significantly more dangerous then when the two of them had worked together. She had enough worries and he wasn't about to add to them. Changing the subject he looked back down at Elizabeth.

"And how's Tara junior doing today?" Steed asked her as she lay her head against her mother's shoulder and looked at him shyly through the brown curls that fell over her eyes. Tara looked down at her and brushed her hair away from her face.

"Don't call her that. And since when did you become so shy?" Tara asked the child. Steed chuckled as the little girl closed her eyes and then opened them up again very slowly.

"I don't think she's being shy. She's flirting with me. She has all her mother's tricks and graces and she knows just how to win a man's heart. Obviously she has good taste too."

"If you say so, but just so you know, she did the same thing with an eighty-eight year old admirer yesterday."

"She likes older men. Which brings me to my next statement. I need a date for this evening, you know, fine dining, dancing, a nightcap at my place. May I take this opportunity to ask your permission for the loan of this lovely lass for the evening?"

"Her curfew is five pm"

"Oh dear. When will she be old enough to have a seven pm curfew?"

"When she's thirty."

"Oh. Well I'm very disappointed of course so I guess I'll have to ask you. When is your curfew?"

"Well normally my carriage turns into a pumpkin at ten sir, but I suppose I could ask my fairy godmother for an extension for one evening. If I can get someone to take your first choice for the evening."

"That's already been arranged my dear. Rhonda is coming over to take care of her."

"And was Rhonda coming over to take care of me if your first choice had been available?"

"Well actually, I knew that the poor child's mother was an evil woman who never let her charge have any fun, so I took a risk to see if I could talk the mother into going out with me. I'm hoping my natural charm and good looks will soften her cold, cruel, heart."

"It's not likely, but you can give it a try for the evening and see what happens." Steed started to say something, but Elizabeth had picked up the bubble wand and held it out to Steed.

"Bo. Bo." she said. Steed looked at Tara inquisitively.

"Uh..translation please?"

"Now John, if you can't speak the native language, however do you hope to procure my permission to date my daughter?"

"Bo!" Elizabeth demanded. A light dawned on Steed's face as he realized what the child wanted.

"Oh! You want me to blow you some bubbles! I see. Well, I'm quite sure your mother is better at this then I am, but we'll give it a try." Steed said as he took the wand, dipped it into the small jar, and started to blow a stream of bubbles. The baby laughed and clapped her hands as she pulled away from Tara's arms and tried to chase after them. She was still learning to walk and soon tumbled down, but she wasn't fazed in the least bit as Steed blew another stream for her and then another. She soon tired of the game though and crawled back over to them. Holding her arms out she looked at Steed.

"Up?"

"Now that's a word I understand." Steed said as he picked the child up in his arms and cuddled her. Tara reached over and brushed the hair away from her face. Elizabeth lay her head down on Steed's shoulder and started to fall asleep.

"She's such a love of a child. I still can't believe how quickly she's growing." Steed said as he settled back against the tree behind them and cradled the baby in his arms.

"She is. And so curious about everything. There are days I'm lucky if I can sit down for five minutes when she's awake. She's into everything. She's such a good girl. She hardly ever cries. And the other day when I was feeling a bit down thinking about Roger, she came up to me, patted my knee, shook her little head and said "sad sad..no no." I couldn't help but laugh and that made her laugh too. She's been such a comfort to me."

"How are you doing for the most part?"

"All right I guess. The nights are hard still. And sometimes I swear I hear him coming up the walk, or I see him on the street. And then I remember he's gone and it hurts. Not as bad as before, but still. Sometimes I think I'm going crazy, that I should be over this by now. It's been a year after all and Elizabeth is such a wonderful distraction. And you too. You've helped more than you could ever know."

"I'm glad to know that things are going a bit better for you love. It's been a hard year for you. And you're not going crazy. There's no time line for grief."

"I know. Working on the Foundation has helped greatly I think. James is doing well too now that he's busy."

"Do you get to see him much?"

"Oh yes. Nearly every day. Nothing delights him more then to hold Elizabeth and play with her. She's started calling him pop pop and he smiles every time she does. He's away just now, visiting family in Paris. He'll be gone for a month. I miss him terribly. So does Elizabeth..."

Steed smiled again as he listened to Tara talk. His one deepest regret was not being able to find the man who had killed her husband. They had tried, but after six months, Mother reluctantly put the case to rest. Tara had taken the news with quietly enough. Actually she had been a bit surprised that the investigation had continued on as long as it had. She was never told that only Steed and Mother had continued the case.

He watched her as she kept her eyes on the sleeping child in his arms. A sweet smile played at her lips as she caressed the tiny leg closest to her. Oh how he had missed her over these past few months. Purdey was a sweet girl. He liked her very much and she was an incredible agent, but she wasn't Tara. To be fair, Tara hadn't been Mrs. Peel and Mrs. Peel hadn't been Cathy Gale, and so on and so on. Each and everyone of his partners had had his or her unique qualities that he had admired and missed greatly as each one had gone on to different things and different lives. But Tara, she would always have a very special place in his heart. While he had been saddened to see his other partners drift away from him, he had let them go without reservation, but Tara, he couldn't let her go. Not yet.

Tara had gone quiet as she watched Steed's face while she talked. He had definitely looked interested in what she had to say while she said it, but now he looked lost in thought. Had he grown board with hearing her talk continuously about Elizabeth? Had she become the type of mother she herself avoided if she could, the type whose whole life centered around her child? She hoped not. She loved her little daughter more then words could say. Each milestone the child achieved gave her great delight, especially when she thought about the fact that her prematurity could very well have kept her from learning to ever walk or talk. But the doctor's were extremely pleased with her progress saying that while she was still a little small for her chronological age, she was developing normally and had no long term health problems. She was a very normal, very beautiful little girl. But Tara tried hard not to make her the single subject of every conversation.

"Steed?" Tara asked softly as she put her hand over his with a questioning look in her beautiful green eyes. He smiled at the touch and clasped her hand into his.

"I'm sorry my dear. My thoughts seemed to have drifted off a bit. I was just picturing Elizabeth twenty years from now. I wonder if her taste in clothing and colors will match a certain young woman's I once knew."

Tara laughed. Looking down at the simple black outfit she had chosen to wear and the simple, common sense outfit she had dressed Elizabeth in, she realized her tastes had changed as well as everything else. She detested the fashions that were now part of the seventies life style and refused to wear them. She wondered what the fashion would be like in the eighties when Elizabeth was old enough to care about such things. With the way the world was changing, she wouldn't be surprised if everyone just ran around naked in which case, she would take Elizabeth away and live in a cave until the world made sense again. She shook her head and laughed again.

"I don't know. I hope not. Now Mr. Steed. Did I, or did I not, hear an offer of dinner and dancing for the evening? It's getting late and I'm famished." Tara said as she stood up and took the baby from him. Steed didn't move a muscle as he watched her cuddle the baby in her arms. She had the sweetest look on her face as she gently kissed the child's head. She had suffered so much grief and pain over the past three years with the loss of her father, her first child, and then her beloved husband. It would have made many women bitter, but not her. He hoped her suffering was finally over and that she would be able to find and keep the happiness she deserved. He stood up and took her in his arms and kissed her cheek.

"Come along love. Let's take this little princess home and then go out for dinner. I'll catch you up on all the doings of Purdey and Gambit." Steed said as hand in hand they walked to his car.


End file.
